How 4kids Screwed the Akatsuki
by Rantzilla
Summary: 4kids got a hold of Shippuuden. How much crap can the Akatsuki handle from the English dub company? Can anyone say 'CRACK.' Randomnessinside. Enter at your own risk. T for language. Blame Hidan.
1. Hidan

WELL. I had an AIM conversation the other day about how 4kids was going to deal with Hidan's cussing and violence. And since Lyserg from Shaman King was magically un-British in the 4kids version, and Ren the CHINESE shaman was British instead, I thought they might make him British.

Joey freaked out and the crack conversation followed.

SO that's my inspiration! So, this is how 4kids owned Hidan. Enjoy...?

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

**How 4kids Screwed the Akatsuki**

_Hidan_

"Got any sixes, un?"

"Tobi does not have any sixes, Deidara-senpai."

"Tobi for the last time, it's 'yes' or 'no.' Don't extend the answers. You're almost as bad as the lobsters were at poker…"

"You mean the ones we ate yesterday, un?"

"Why must you be so cruel!"

And with that, Kisame proceeded to fling himself down on top of the coffee table where they were currently playing 'Go Fish.' Needless to say, cards went flying, tears were shed for lost 'brethren,' and the game had inevitably come to a close.

"I'm glad that's over with, un," and with a sigh of exasperation, Deidara set his own cards down on the table next to a sobbing shark-boy.

"Tobi feels for you, Kisame-kun," said Tobi consolingly, patting Kisame on the back repeatedly. "Deidara-senpai is just moody because he did not get enough 'beauty sleep' last night. Or so he told Tobi."

"Tobi, you said you wouldn't tell anyone, un!" exclaimed Deidara, pointing accusingly at his idiotic companion.

"Tobi is sorry!"

"Screw your apologies! This means WAR, un!" bellowed the girly bomber, bringing out clay birds from his cloak. God _knows_ where he got them from.

"Now, now Deidara-kun. Try to be rational," said Itachi from his spot on the couch, who, up until now, had watched in bemused silence at the unfolding events.

"Screw being rational!"

"You're starting to sound like Hidan, Deidara-kun."

"Wait a minute," Kisame sat up suddenly from his piteous position on the table, earning a bone-crushing hug from Tobi, which he chose to ignore. "Where _is _Hidan? He usually likes playing 'Go Fish' with us… You know, before he storms out screaming about how it's a conspiracy."

The others all looked thoughtful, when they heard the shattering of glass from a room upstairs.

And having nothing better to do, they all went to check it out.

But not before Tobi said, "do you think my stuffed animals decided to have a tea party?"

Silence ensued, and a clay bird somehow managed to find its way into Tobi's cloak.

"Katsu."

And after an explosion, the three remaining Akatsuki members continued to the staircase.

Tobi didn't join them.

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

A swift walk up the stairs led the three companions to a rather soft voice traveling down the hallway. Following the voice down the eerie dimly lit hallway, Deidara began to voice his concerns.

In a rather unmanly way.

"What if it's a ghost, un?"

"Deidara, there are no such things as ghosts," sighed Kisame.

"If there were, I would have already gathered an army of them to help me take control of the cotton candy factory, which has banned me from their premises ever since that _day._"

"We've heard the story, Itachi. I don't need another nightmare tonight about you and your weird ass _cotton candy _fetish."

"You guys aren't helping, un!"

They had reached the source of the voice, which was coming from Hidan's room.

Deidara, being the manly man he was, hid behind Kisame.

"This is _weird, _un. He isn't screaming _or _cursing. Is he hurt, un?"

Wordlessly, Itachi reached for the doorknob.

In a weird spastic gesture, Deidara grabbed Itachi's wrist and glared icily at him.

"We have to listen first! We can't just charge in knowing something's aloof, un!" whispered Deidara harshly.

Itachi raised an eyebrow, but nodded anyway. Kisame just shook his head and put an ear to the door. His two companions following suit.

From Hidan's room, a voice very unlike that of the Hidan they knew, was speaking the most horrifying words the three could imagine.

"Right-o, chaps! Are you up for a spot of tea before we go at it?"

A terribly accurate British accent had replaced Hidan's usual callous demeanor. A look of panic flitted across Deidara's features, a look of bewilderment upon Kisame's, and two raised eyebrows indicated that Itachi was slightly interested.

Slightly.

On the other side of the door, the voice spoke again.

"Would you excuse us, miss? If you would please accompany us to have that demon inside of you removed, I would be greatly appreciative." There was shuffling, someone clearing their throat, and a faint 'clack' of china on china. "What's the dilly, old chaps?"

Meanwhile, outside, Deidara had gone into a fit in between gagging and giggling. No one could have ever discerned which.

Kisame had gone from bewilderment to pure and utter amusement- and had long since stuffed a hand in his mouth to stifle the laughter. Even Itachi had a smile on his face.

And then, the icing to the cake. Where everyone simultaneously pushed in closer to the wooden barrier separating them and the comic genius.

"What the _deuce _is going on here, Kakuzu?"

And with that, the three Akatsuki members burst through the door, Kisame and Deidara rolling on the ground of Hidan's room in hysterical fits of uncontrollable laughter, while Itachi chuckled heavily behind a pale hand.

And there was the object of their current mirth, in all his fury, with a red face and glaring his deadliest at the three on his floor.

In one hand was a script, in the other was a cup of tea, and sitting around a tea platter at his feet were none other than Tobi's stuffed animals.

Without warning, Hidan cracked.

It was said to be the second 'shot heard around the world' thing for the people living near the Akatsuki.

Only, instead of a shot, they heard 'FUCK 4KIDS, WHY DON'T THEY JUST FUCKING CUT ME OUT OF THE ENTIRE SHOW!? STOP LAUGHING YOU COCKSUCKERS!'

And this had signaled the largest bloodshed that Hidan's room at the Akatsuki hide-out had ever seen. At the end of it all, Deidara managed to say something. Miraculously.

"Tea party, un?"

And out of nowhere, Tobi popped up in his scorched Powerpuff Girls boxers, and bellowed "TOBI KNEW IT ALL ALONG!"

And then Hidan's room was blown to smithereens.

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

**Person:** Hidan

**Problem:** Cursing and violence

**4kids Solution:** …Make him British?

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

CRACKCRACKCRACK. This is my first crackfic EVAR. Not very good, ehhhh?

I've been reading a lot of crack fics lately, and decided to try my hand at one.

Fail? Probably. Amusing? Probably not.

I have an idea on this series. This really short series about how Akatsuki gets screwed by 4kids. Random inspiration from AIM FTW.

And Itachi? Cotton candy fetish? That'll PROBABLY be included in another chapter. Look forward to it?

SO BYE. I'm nearly done 3 of the first chapters for my SasuNaru stories! Expect random other crackfics, too.


	2. Kakuzu

I had yet ANOTHER AIM conversation about this. Yes, my AIM conversations are slightly abnormal, but aren't everyone's?

I never realized how fun crack fics are to write. And holy CRAP. I got SEVEN REVIEWS for my first chapter. That may not seem like a lot, but to me it is. So, uh, thanks to **Michi-Tan**, **Princess of blah blah blah**, **TobiGB**, **aquamarine-acaia**, **.1**, **xxkeeponlivingxx**, and **Reimei Uzumaki **for reviewing last chapter. No, really. THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE.

And many thanks to my three friends on AIM that helped to create this crack fic. Hats off (if you don't have a hat on, you do now) to Naomi, Joey, and Andy. HA, Andy. NAMED YOU LAST.

And finally, I usually hate adding endings onto names like '-kun,' and '-san,' but because Tobi is just… like that, I thought I'd make an exception for this fic. But most of the time there will be no suffixes.

And oh my gosh SORRY SORRY SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE. /suicide

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

**How 4kids Screwed the Akatsuki**

_Kakuzu_

"Got any sixes, un?"

"Tobi does not have any sixes, Deidara-senpai."

"Tobi for the last time, it's 'yes' or 'no.' Don't extend the answers. You're almost as bad as the lobsters were at poker…"

"You mean the ones we ate yester-"

"Does this feel familiar to anyone?" Kisame asked, cutting off Deidara to save himself the humiliation of yet another crying session in front of his comrades.

"Of course not, Kisame. Don't be ridiculous."

"Yes, Kisame. This time we're playing Old Maid."

"Uh, Tobi. This is still Go Fish, un."

"Oh, then why is there a picture of an old lady among Tobi's cards?"

"GRANDMA, UN!" screamed Deidara, tackling Tobi to the ground and attempting to wrestle the cards out of Tobi's hands.

Sighing, Itachi set down his own cards and faced Kisame on the couch, folding his hands meticulously on his lap.

"So, where is Hidan today?" he deadpanned.

"Probably getting a contractor for his destroyed room," responded Kisame a bit unthinkingly.

Itachi looked like he was about to reply when the door of the room suddenly burst open, and all heads turned in the direction of the intruder.

Well, except Tobi. He was getting strangled by Deidara.

Had he looked, he might've peed in his still burnt Powerpuff Girl boxers, because at that moment, the person at the door looked like he was bordering on insanity.

"Kakuzu…" said Kisame slowly, watching said man closely.

Kakuzu chose to turn his crazy eyes onto Kisame, looking for all the life of him like he was going to rip the blue man's head off.

There was a collective shiver around the inhabitants of the room, even Itachi shook slightly.

"Where are…"

There was an intake of breath as Kakuzu struggled to regain composure, and he strode further into the room.

"Where are my trading cards…"

There was a short period of silence, before Deidara chose to voice everyone's thoughts.

"What the _fuck,_ un."

"My _Pokemon trading cards._ Don't make me kill you all. Just tell me where they are, and no one will get hurt."

At this point, Kakuzu was standing in front of the couch where Kisame and Itachi sat. Itachi pressed further into the cushions as Kisame took the initiative to stand up and try to calm Kakuzu down.

"Kakuzu… You've never had any trading cards… So if you would just take a few deep breaths, maybe we can talk about-"

"SCREW TALKING, FISH BOY!" screeched Kakuzu, throwing up his arms dramatically.

In the background, Tobi sputtered.

"WOULDN'T YOU BE MAD TOO, IF SOMEONE, OH, FLUSHED ONE OF YOUR GOLDFISH DOWN THE TOILET?" at this, Kakuzu sent Itachi a meaningful glance. Itachi's eyes widened a fraction as Kisame frowned.

The fact that it had nothing to do with trading cards was lost on everyone in the room.

"Is that… hypothetical?"

"Ohoho, fish boy. So you DO know what I mean? Well, let's just say a little raven-haired Uchiha prodigy decided to-"

"That's _enough,_ Kakuzu."

Itachi stood from the couch, and put a hand on Kisame's shoulder.

"I'm…" he struggled for words for a moment, "S-sorry…"

Kisame looked stunned, before quickly turning a glare to his partner, "why?"

"One of your goldfish told me that it didn't like cotton candy, so I flushed it down the toilet and made the others watch."

Kisame blinked twice.

Kakuzu smirked in satisfaction at Itachi's confession.

Deidara looked like he was about to laugh.

And Tobi was passed out on the ground from lack of oxygen. No one really paid any attention to that fun fact.

In a flash, Kisame had Itachi by the front of his robes, shaking him violently.

"YOU SICK BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU!?! WHO WAS IT?!?!! WHO DID YOU MURDER?!?! YOU RUTHLESS BITCH!"

"It was…" he paused, waiting for Kisame to stop shaking him. "Doris."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DORIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then Kisame dropped Itachi, running with his face in his hands and crying his heart out into them.

He proceeded to run into a wall, fall on his butt, and then crawl out of the room whimpering and then closing the door with a 'snap' behind him.

Through the closed door, they heard a voice between gasps and strangled cries.

"Y-you g-g-guys…b-bet-tter c-come t-to… to the… the… FUNERAL!" he sobbed loudly at the end, before he could be heard running up the steps, then there was a faint slam of a door.

"I have several things to say, un."

Itachi and Kakuzu both turned their gazes to Deidara, who was now seated on his partner's stomach.

Deidara looked between the two of them in a motherly fashion before speaking again.

"You all are fucking crazy, un. I mean, I know Hidan was crazy before, un, are you all making up for it in his absence?" He looked thoughtful for a moment, before adding, "where is that psycho anyway?"

"I passed him on my way back. The men in white coats got him." Kakuzu said in all seriousness.

"White coats…Ah, so they've finally taken him to the asylum, un. 'Bout time, too. He was dipping into the dairy fund a little too much if you ask me, un." Deidara waited for Kakuzu's reaction to the money reference, and when there was no change in his facial expression, frowned. "Shouldn't that upset you, Kakuzu?"

"No. Why should it?"

Itachi raised his eyebrows, turning to survey the money-lover skeptically.

"Kakuzu, may I borrow some money so that I may purchase a cotton candy machine?"

"Sure. Do whatever you want, just don't tap into my trading cards fund."

Deidara stood up suddenly, as Kakuzu's eyes narrowed.

"Speaking of my trading cards, I thought I smelled them in here. Have you seen them?"

"No, un. Search yourself."

"Good idea!"

Deidara grabbed Itachi by his upper arm and dragged him across the room as Kakuzu attacked the couch, flinging cushions around at random. One particularly floral one landing on Tobi's face.

"This is _weird, _un." Whispered Deidara conspiratorially as Itachi ducked a pillow.

"We are in the Akatsuki, Deidara. Almost everything we do or say is classified under 'psychotic.' I do not see how Kakuzu's actions are any different from Hidan's the other day."

"I know we're normally this weird, un," he glared over his shoulder as another pillow hit his arm and flopped to the ground, "but we're not _this _weird. Something has to be going on, un."

Itachi sighed and strode past Deidara, who gave him a questioning look.

There was a loud thud as the couch's back made contact with the floor. And Kakuzu moved on to the bookcase, stepping on Tobi's chest as he went over to it.

Deidara and Itachi watched as book after book was ripped frantically from the shelves, but neither made a move to stop him.

"Deidara, tell Leader that I left on very important business." Itachi said, turning to the blonde and crossing his arms.

"…Why, un?"

"Kisame is going to drag us into-"

And as if on cue, particularly morbid funeral music began to play.

Itachi closed his eyes and put his hand to his forehead.

"Here we go…"

And in came Kisame, wearing a black wedding dress. Jashin-sama knows where he got it, but there it was, in all its gothic glory, and looking a little stretched on the manly torso of Kisame.

He even had the balls to wear a veil, too.

Itachi brought his hand to cover his eyes as he brought his face skyward. Most likely praying to Gods he didn't believe in for this to end as quickly and painlessly as a decapitation.

What? You didn't expect _Itachi _to compare that to anything remotely _sane _did you?

Pft, as if.

Kakuzu had chosen to ignore Kisame's sudden solemn entrance and was now rifling through the DVDs in a metal rack, books still scattered everywhere but no one paying them any mind.

Tobi was now invisible under a combination of cushions, Ispy books, and Will Smith DVDs.

Kisame had begun walking toward Itachi slowly, hugging the large fish tank to his abdomen while the water inside sloshed dangerously, threatening to spill out at any moment.

He had successfully made it halfway across the danger zone, when disaster punched him square in his blue you-know-whats.

Deidara had been trying to subtly slip out of the room, but had slipped on a James Bond DVD, falling flat on his face. The DVD had flown out backwards after he fell, and shot directly at Kisame. More specifically the fish tank.

Yes, the fish tank. The fish tank made of _glass._

Long story short, the DVD hit the glass with a loud 'CRACK,' and for a moment, nothing happened. Deidara had looked over his shoulder in horror when he heard the noise and Itachi was peering through his fingers at Kisame, who had gone completely still.

The spider web of cracks had slowly taken up a good portion of the square side of the tank. And everyone waited with baited breath for the inevitable.

Well, except Tobi, he was still unconscious.

And Kakuzu, who was still rifling through the DVDs.

But they don't matter right now.

For a New York second, it felt as if everything was fine, and the glass had withstood the DVD death strike.

But of course, fate hated shark-like men, so it decided to kick him while he was down.

And so, in a particular display of anger, Kakuzu threw the last DVD (which just so happened to be Finding Nemo) full-force at the unsuspecting aquarium. Not actually meaning to aim so perfectly at the vulnerable box of glass, but somehow he managed to have a nearly flawless pitch, and the DVD soared directly at the remaining fish.

Kisame looked on in horror through his veil as his favorite movie made contact with the other side of the fish tank, and another web of cracks appeared.

But again, nothing happened.

Since the suspense was gone, Deidara opted to restrain Kakuzu from tearing up Pein's favorite armchair.

"Leader-sama will KILL us if you do that, un!" screamed Deidara over Kisame's shrieks of "ITACHI, GET THE DUCT TAPE QUICK!"

Itachi walked calmly across the room toward the door, readily ignoring all the commotion.

Which is something only Itachi could do.

"LET GO OF ME YOU BLONDE BITCH OR I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!"

"I'LL LET GO WHEN YOU CALM THE HELL DOWN, UN!"

Itachi's facial expression didn't change as his foot made contact with a pile of DVD cases.

Well, it did when the pile of DVDs moved.

Hm, maybe it _wasn't _a pile of DVDs.

I strongly believe, in fact, that it was Tobi.

Itachi fell backwards, waving his arms around like a windmill in a vain attempt to keep his balance, while Tobi began sitting up as slow as a zombie.

One of Itachi's windmilling arms swung dangerously close to Kisame's fish bowl, so Kisame opted to move the cracked fish tank out of harm's way.

Bad move, shark boy. Jaws does not approve.

The next minute found Kisame frantically trying to pick up all of his exotic fish- using his wedding veil as a temporary basket, Itachi wringing his sopping hair out, Tobi trying to ask Itachi what happened, Deidara getting repeatedly elbowed in the face, and Kakuzu biting Deidara's arm roughly.

When Pein walked in with Konan a few moments later, neither were surprised.

Over the commotion, Pein screamed something much more unexpected than the scene in front of him.

"We're going to the carnival."

And he effectively made every psychotic man in the room freeze.

Except Kisame, who was still desperately attempting to save his fish.

Little did he know that Sasori had poisoned the tank long ago-

-but that's a different story entirely.

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

**Person: **Kakuzu

**Problem: **Obsession with money

**4kids Solution: **Obsession with Pokemon trading cards (I mean, who hasn't had that at one point?!)

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiI

LOLOL THE ENDING. Guys I swear I'm not on drugs. I pull this stuff out of my ass.

So, HIDAN NEXT CHAPTER. FUCK YEAH. WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE TO THE ZOMBIE DUO?!

I know you guys hate me for the late update. But you know, school, NaruSasu, SasuNaru, homework, …NaruSasu. Yeah. So I hope you all don't hate me. :C

CARNIVAL NEXT CHAPTER.

I love people for reviewing. A LOT. CAN HAS SOME OF KAKUZU'S TRADING CARDS.

Jk. He'd kill you.

SEE YA~

I don't understand how people like this. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

WHY AM I SO RANDOM? OH MY GOD.

....See ya. 8D


End file.
